The Word Show

As I sit here at my desk, neck-deep in “Twilight”-themed plus-sized merchandise (Vampires are very big with the kids, especially the very big kids), I’m thinking about Halloween. Specifically, I’m hoping my costume this year will offer a positive return on the time I invested in producing it.

I will be going as a “Douche.” The key elements of my costume will be a life-sized, homemade label for Summer’s Eve Feminine Personal Douche (to tackle the literal end of things), complemented by a bevy of douchey accoutrements: liberally-applied self-tanner, baseball cap with oversized ‘BMW’ logo, Bluetooth wireless earpiece, aviator sunglasses, golf shirt with popped collar, and a tribal arm band tattoo.

My return on investment, or “R.O.I.” in douche parlance, will hopefully come in the form of hearty laughs and some safe, no-strings-attached heterosexual intercourse which, now that I think of it, is itself a fairly douchey aspiration. Luckily, douchebaggery is an irony-free pursuit.