The Word Show

So what’ve you been up to? I’ve been In Europe. Here’s what happened.

Greek cruise, or: The Odyssey, as re-written by P.Diddy

To celebrate his 65th birthday, my dad chartered a yacht for an 8-day sail around the Cyclades, the Greek islands in the Aegean Sea. The trip wasn’t my idea. I was actually lobbying to celebrate Dad’s 65th with a round of mini golf and an ice cream cake. But maybe this cruise would be good, too.

We would set sail from Athens and head East into the Cyclades, visiting the islands of Mykonos, Delos, Santorini, Pouros, Milos, Porto Heli, Spetzes, Hydra, Porros, and then heading back into Athens.

Our ship, “Alexandros” was 68 feet of mahogany and fiberglass conspicuous consumption: 4 bedrooms, an upper sun deck, a jet ski, zodiac inflatable dinghy and, perhaps most importantly for the high seas: 4 dozen bagels, which we had brought with us from Montreal. Honestly, when i think of all the times I’d been aboard a boat that DIDN’T have an onboard jet ski, it makes me sick to my stomach.

Alexandros’ crew were a terrific bunch. Captain George, a consummate professional and as good natured as they come, kept us on course and out of harms way, and he was expertly supported by Isam, the ship’s engineer. Rosie, the ship’s cook, worked her culinary voodoo in a galley the size of a broom closet. Care for a small mountain of 50 shrimp tempura? Rosie has you covered. Perhaps you would prefer some homemade Tzaziki with your bagel? Done. Or would you prefer fresh sea urchin, batter-fried and breaded in Cocoa Puffs? She makes that for a midnight snack.

When you’re on a cruise, the food is the most critical element of the trip. You plan your days around your meals, and when you aren’t actually eating, you’re talking about what you might like to eat – or drink – for your next meal. This is an actual exchange I had with Jesse, my brother-in-law, while we snorkelled next to the boat:

Jesse: “do you suppose you’ll have white wine or rosé with lunch?”

Me: “that’s a good question, i guess it depends what Rosie will be preparing. I hope she’s making shrimp tempura again – I quite like that.”

Jesse: “Hmm…indeed.”

To be sure, life was good on the high seas.

The scenery was epic: tiny churches and pastel-colored houses perched on hillsides, narrow cobble-stoned roads, donkeys used as everyday transportation, landscapes riddled with olive and cypress trees, and the boats – big sailing vessels, little Greek fishing boats, futuristic mega yachts, the latter no doubt owned by your friendly neighborhood Russian oligarch – every picture was a postcard.

Speaking of which, there were gorgeous sunsets every evening, especially the one we saw from a cliffside bar on the island of Hydra, where we spotted a pack of six diving dolphins, and captured them diving in and out of the water, right across the line of the setting sun. You almost wanted to yell at them: “Really, dolphins? Don’t you think you’re overdoing it, waiting until sunset and everyone’s watching so you can leap out of the water? I get it, ok? I get that you’re cute and acrobatic and stuff, and that you work well as a team. But maybe dial it back a little, okay?”

As for the cultural fare, Athens, where we spent our first day before boarding Alexandros, was obviously the main draw. Touring the Acropolis, one remarks two things: 1) how well-preserved these 2000-year old monuments have remained, and 2) how, in the name of Zeus, they were able to build these things 2000 years ago.

After the Acropolis, we did a quick guided tour of Athens by car, including a stop outside the Greek presidential palace, where we viewed a changing of the guard, pictured below.

I’ve decided that it takes a particularly tough soldier to pull off a ceremonial military dress that includes pom-poms for your shoes. Our tour guide could not tell me what these funny shoes were called, so I dubbed them “souvlakis”.

I can’t tell you about Athens’ nightlife, because i didn’t stray very far from our hotel, as i was pretty exhausted. I did a quick walk around the neighbourhood, and found two strip clubs, but not a single regular bar. Strange. I decided to return to my room and fell asleep watching a Greek soap opera.

The Greek islands, especially Mykonos, were especially known for their vibrant nightlife, but you wouldn’t know it on our ship. With the exception of our first night in Mykonos, where we had a couple of post-dinner cocktails by the port, our nights consisted of watching a movie or playing scrabble. One such night, we happened to be moored about 50 meters away from a busy nightclub. As I watched my dad nod off – as was common – while trying to organize his scrabble letters, I couldn’t help but think how simultaneously cool (being on a fancy boat) and uncool (playing scrabble) we must have seemed to the club goers. Triple nerd score indeed.

On another night, bored of scrabble and my back issues of The Economist, I decided to watch some satellite TV when the rest of my family had gone to bed. As the pickings were slim, I settled on “Truck Turner”, a classic Blaxploitation film. It starred Isaac Hayes as the title character, a bail bondsman who won’t let The [White] Man get him down. Here is the Wikipedia description:

“Truck Turner (portrayed by Isaac Hayes) is a former professional football player who becomes a bounty hunter (along with his partner Jerry) in search of a bail-jumping pimp in Los Angeles, California. After a shootout where Truck has to use deadly force to kill the pimp, Turner becomes a marked man and is targeted by hired assassins.” Not bad, eh?

Here are some realizations i had while on the boat:

1) If you are prone to the pitfalls of one-upmanship, then parking your yacht in a crowded marina can be psychologically crippling: imagine sunbathing on the deck of your perfectly ample 69-foot luxury yacht, thinking life could not possibly be better, when along comes a 72-foot luxury yacht, and parks itself next to yours. Suddenly, those 3 extra feet mean everything. How much more amazing might the other guy’s boat be than yours and, by extension, his life? What does he have in those 3 feet that you don’t? X-box? Extra-fancy backgammon set? A very skinny mistress? Star trek commemorative champagne glasses? You’ll never know, and it will drive you nuts.

2) When you’re a 34-year-old seafaring chap, it is best to marry a 21-year old woman – so says Isam, our boat’s engineer and part-time relationship expert. In his words: “ok yes, she very young, but when I old, she still beautiful!” indeed, Isam, from your words to God’s ears.

3) If you own a yacht – that is, any boat measuring longer than, say, 30 feet – you are a douchebag. It doesn’t matter how nice a person you are, or how much money you give to charity. Fait accompli. Sorry, it’s science.

4) I want to be a douchebag.

5) I really like that all yachts get to be named, however in the interest of good taste and international goodwill, I’d like to institute a pay-as-you-go policy towards the naming process. Owners should pay by the letter. Vowels are extra. The money will go towards the public school system of the country of the yacht’s home port.

6) Even with my aforementioned suggestion, money cannot – and rarely does – buy taste:

7) A grilled cheese sandwich tastes good. A grilled cheese sandwich made by your on-board personal chef tastes much, much better.

Our chartered yacht, “Alexandros“, is powered by 2 twin-turbo M.A.N. 12-cylinder diesel engines, putting out a combined 2500 horsepower. She will reach a top speed of 60 knots, and will achieve this speed, regardless of whether you’ve remembered to flush the contents of your cabin’s toilet.

9) The Greeks are a proud people. Most will agree ancient Greece was the cradle of modern civilization, with its innumerable contributions to the arts, philosophy, government, sport, etc. Greeks today, however, much like Israelis, will not only remind you of their culture’s past contributions to society, but will also take credit for random things that they did not invent. A typical Athenian: “You have heard of the microwave, yes? It comes from word ‘micros‘, meaning ‘small’ in Greek…so it is obviously a Greek invention…you’re welcome!”

10) Jet skis, whether zipping around the open waters of the Aegean sea, or buzzing around a small lake in the Laurentian mountains of Quebec, are always obnoxious. They should all be incinerated, and their owners forced to pile together into a giant canoe and paddle, together, in circles until the end of time, or until they become courteous people – whichever comes first.

11) The Greeks rarely use butter. They use olive oil instead. Nothing funny about that, I guess.

12) The Aegean, during mid-July, is incredibly warm and clear. It is so warm, in fact, that peeing in the sea will actually make you colder. Is there a worse feeling than feeling simultaneously cold and ashamed? I can tell you, there isn’t.

13) The pigeons in the Greek islands are a dusty, light shade of grey, somewhat brownish. Not unlike their Canadian cousins, they are terrifying.

Lessons I learned:

I am extremely fortunate

1) Isam, the ship’s engineer and a very nice guy, was telling me that he financially supports his 5 younger siblings, as his parents died when he was young, and he was left in charge. He works his ass off on this boat, and then in the off-season, works as a deckhand on a large container ship, sending most of his money back home.

2) Captain George recounted to us that during WWII, the Nazis had closed down a good chunk of Greece’s elementary schools. As such, the nearest school George’s father could attend was on a tiny island, about a 20 minutes swim from where he lived. So every day, he would swim to school and back, 20 minutes each way, with his school books tied to the top of his head. Damn.

Appearances are deceiving

3) You never know who is in charge on the Greek Islands. Case in point: this bearded fella, a friend of captain George, looks like he might be in charge of the backstage passes for ZZ Top. It turns out he’s actually a wealthy Greek-American expat, who owns two nightclubs on the island of Hydra, and helps run the marina, just for fun. Nice guy, too.

That was Greece, in a nutshell. It was an incredible experience, and I hope I was able to relay to you a small part of the voyage…stay tuned for Turkey!